Colm Brady

Kids

The car in front stopped suddenly at the lights. Kevin hit the brakes in time but it knocked the packet of chewing gum off the dash.
“Bloody eejit, probably a woman driver.”
Marie wasn’t going to respond – she had fallen for that line too many times before. When they had met Kevin had wound her up constantly. She had wanted to drop his DVDs in a skip or cut up his suits – now she just ignored this part.
“Stop at a shop, I want to get a card for the little fellah.”
“Well he is your nephew. Are we bringing a present?”
“WE didn’t bother buying one but I did. I got him a set of overalls from Osh Kosh bGosh.”
“What in the name of suffering Jesus is Kaibosh whatever”
“Only the trendiest kids wear going, I have to be able to raise my head at this witches coven of a gathering.”
While she was talking Kevin decided that his chewing gum had lost its flavour. If he was on his own he could spit it out the window but Marie would go spare. Better to wait till they stopped. In rare cases, some individuals who have been known to swallow chewing-gum regularly and who are predisposed can aid the growth of bezoars (stones) within their stomachs or intestines. God bless the discovery channel.
“How many people do you get at one of these yokes?”
“Oh theres a few Women from Sarah’s work and some of her friends that have babies.”
“Your sisters fertile friends from the world of advertising. What will we talk about? Babies and Shite I suppose.”
“Just smile a lot and say as little as possible – they can smell fear.”
Marie pointed at a petrol station. Kevin brought the car to rest at a pump and Marie went to get the card. Kevin decided to fill up and got out and walked to the left side of the car near the pump. It was at that stage he remembered he hadn’t had a petrol tank on that side for over two years. The dilemma was whether to get back in and move or try and bring the hose across the car.
He looked inside and Marie was choosing a card so he could get away without moving the car. He dragged the hose over the boot and tried to put the nozzle in the tank – too short. A man was watching him from the other pump. Kevin had a false grin that said I-look-like-a-fool-and-we-both-know-it. He jerked the hose and managed to get it in the tank. The man said nothing and Kevin counted down the numbers on the pump. He wondered would he be incinerated if his mobile phone rang at this particular moment. He had visions of ending up like that Buddhist monk just because some mate sent him a poorly-timed text. The tank filled and he stuck his card in the pump.
Marie came out with a card and a bottle of water. She was doing the peculiar shuffle girls do when they want to speed up but don’t want to chance breaking into a run.
“I saw you making a balls of the pumps – again. How long have you had this car?”
“It’s the Japanese and the Germans, this is their revenge for the war. If they would just put the tanks on the same shagging side.”
“Muppet.”
He took off into the traffic and remembered he was still chewing the same white tasteless lump of latex he had had in his mouth since leaving home. He would have to wait until he got to the party to get rid of it now.
Marie rummaged in her handbag and produced lip-gloss. He grimaced.
“This is going to be another fashion show isn’t it? Is my shirt stripey enough do you think?”
“Aw quit whining, this is the turn here on the left.”
“That’s the right.”
“Whatever.”
Kevin pulled up at the path, the driveway was full of black German cars. Marie went to the door to a volley of air-kissing. If he could only dump this gum before he went inside...
He pretended to develop an interest in the back of one of the cars and had the gum in his hand when he felt a touch on his elbow. The hand was attached to Jeremy – married to Sarah and oozing success.
“She is a beautiful motor, don’t you think?”
He was aware that the gum was now stuck to the palm of his hand, his right hand. Marie was looking back at him expecting him to shake hands with Jeremy. He stood up and gave Jeremy what he hoped was a playful punch on the arm.
“How are things Jeremy – busy?”
“Oh you cannot imagine.” said Jeremy as he turned back towards the house. Kevin was trying to scrape it off and had only succeeded in spreading the burden onto both hands. Sarah was waiting with a glass of champagne. Marie nodded.
“I will drive home if you want – you can drink.”
“No Love, it wouldn’t be fair. This is your Nephew’s birthday after all.”
Sarah kissed him on the side of the head as he got into the housed. Marie brought the present to a collective squeal from the women. Bloody kids….

posted by Colm Brady @ 5:55 PM